Yet another invader who tries to supplant me in the home hierarchy system I have so skillfully cultivated here at Chez Zoe. Not only did he try to play the old cute card (been there - ) but is also is playing the ultimate Chez Zoe trump card "I hurting". Yep. The limp.
He knows my woman well. No sooner did he hobble up to her all quacks and feather ruffling... leg dragging pitifully behind him did she scoop that faker poser up, nestled him, smoothed his feathers and wisked him into the house - INTO THE KITCHEN! MY SPOT! CAD!
You can guess where I went. Yep. Out to my secret laboratory to whip up a tar mash to drown that little quack in. I am gonna bite his head off, shake his feathers off and then sling him into the tar vat! Alas, when I searched my secret laboratory - no vat! I ran upstairs and into the kitchen all the while worrying about what I might see there. Will she be hand feeding him peeled grapes? Tossing him a mixed salad? You know how she is. But he was nowhere to be found when I got to the kitchen. She was there... and there was my vat! What was she doing with my vat?
Zoe: Where is Gimpy? Perchance he flew the coop?
Woman: No. I am giving him a bath in your vat.
Foiled. Grumble grumble grumble. Skulk down to my sulking room. It was worse than I thought.
Cut to dinner time.
Kibble tastes strangely, exquisitely, luxuriously rich. Finally. The first time in my life I have not pined away for what they are eating. Why, I have never even heard of confit. I will confess - I did want the potatoes, but who doesn't?
I wonder where ol' Gimpy flew to. Who would want to fly from a place where the woman bathes you and pets you and hold you in her arms and feeds you tasty treats?
Did I tell you I turned 21? No? Maybe because I was so busy.... PARTAAAYYYing. Stop screaming! Head. ACHES.
How many Cinco De Mayos did I have to endure watching those puns shooting down tequila and eating nachos? Did you know that Mexicans do not really eat nachos and that is more of an amazing American invention? God BLESS America!!
It was two long years before I could bamba la bamba... hit the old pinata!... do the taQUIto! God I can make anything sound dirty. I just discovered that when I started drinking tequila and I must say - very very rewarding. I shall add it to my very long and illustrious resume.
Oh so Cinco De Mayo TEQUILA (shhhh) fest:
Me and my man Stan and my freaky pinky friend went out for a little salt, lime and a boozerin'
** Did you know the shot does not count or make you drunk if they blow a whistle in your ear and shake your head until you concuss? It is true. The headache you feel in the morning is from the shaken drinker syndrome. No lie. Look it up if you don't believe me.
So here is me in my sombrero. Cute loaded ,no?
And then here are my pals in the morning. LIGHTWEIGHTS
And here is the beautiful tequila sunrise I woke to the following day.
... Which I was totally in love with and was totally bustin the Eagles tune (yes, that is what the hip and cool Zoe sez) when some tard (sorry Sarah) broke in and told me that it was the sunset and I had been passed out for 2 days straight. Like she'd never done that...
Pinto beans do not digest as quickly as everything else.
I will not be ordering anything involving culinary foam for a while
A spot of courage is a dangerous thing.
Never trust a guy who wears feathers as his every day suit. The worm is not just the thing at the bottom of the tequila bottle. Har.
My Typist is feeling a bit nostalgic today. She was cleaning out my files (no, that is not code for something else!) when she came upon some cute photos of me (of course) and the neighbor (freaking jackass) when she was but a mere jackassette.
Enjoy them my biped friends.
Could you figure out which one was Evie? We furries all look alike when we are babies... all big ears and snuggliness!
Is it just me or is the word fetish like the BEST word to describe fetish? It sounds... kink.
OK that out of the way...
Y'all know that I have all sorts of ~ shall we say ~ eccentricities.
I like to indulge in occasional stranger in the park poop feed. I like toooo... rub my butt along the carpet and hump the neighbor dog like a complete whore even though nothing will ever come of it.
What? That is not me? That is Bruiser, half lab half chihuahua puta? Poo-tah... OK that is funny. See how that joins those two fetish sentences? POO-TAH. Did you see that? Joined?
Fine. Where was I? Oh yeah - OK I do not drag ass or hump. That is in fact, that half-breed chihuahua Bruisy. But I do like to eat other dog's poop. I am SO that nasty girl. Fetishy little dirty girl.... WHAT?
Zoe cannot indulge in a little smut talk? No? Fine. Goodytwoshoesfunspoilingturdliftingstooge! Oh yes. The secret fetish. Hardeehar! HAR!!! HARRRR MAYTEE! Shiver me TIMBERS! Wait... does that work? Timber shivering? No?
OK so when I am alone, lying in bed... and the (ahem) feeling comes over me. And I KNOW that they are a mere step away, waiting to climb in my mouth... puffy... white... and... just a bit gooey. (Squeel!) I tippity toe over to the waste can and grab me a
Fully. Loaded. Kleenex!
Again with the potty minds Dear Reader?
We kinks will get along juuuuust fiiiiine! Glad you are finally falling in line.
The snow has cleared and here I am on a fine Spring day contemplating last Spring's evils that befell me at the hands of the villainess!
The constant taunting:
The waterboarding: The... BEATINGS!!!!!:
When I gots me a bright idea. A plot so perfect I could stump Agatha herself! Bwaha HA!
Who would be able to solve "coquettish golden, in the drawing room (OK - the home office) with... an icicle! The deed will be done! One plunge thusly and the ruddy strumpet will be bound to world immortal!*
*reminder to self - toss the Kenneth Branaugh DVD's.
I like: beer, having my stomach rubbed, hangin' in the alley and watching cartoons. I should have been born a man. I am suing the state (and I will win) for a sex change.
Dislikes: Dry dog food (intolerable!), fireworks, processing one of Master's long hairs, upchucking seafoam.