Thursday, July 3, 2008

Ignore the Zee Behind the Curtain!

Hi it is me. Barely able to type. I am dehydrated and weak from pissing and barfing myself. I must MUST go on a diet. I found out in a very untimely moment, that I am too snausage fat to jam myself under the Seally Posturepedic. Too fatty tuna to snuggle under the living room sofa table. Too Zeebert Von Puerco to make a clean getaway from the deck thru the slit in the screen door. BUT just Hogwarts enough to take that mother down without any perceived effort. Fireworks = a burst of adrenaline from a heretofore untapped riches of said substance. Into the tub I went. Safe harbor. It is steel and shrouded by a thick pink curtain. How I love pink! The color of a Hostess Snowball, but also of a Pink Lady... hmmm ick. I digress.

Remember when I said last night that a nervous Zee was not to be trifled with? Do I lie? Do I fool around? Not on the Effing Fourth! So I told you I flew into the safe harbor of the tub when the fireworks got rolling. I was fine. Only troubled by uncontrolled shiveriness and an occasional convulsion and upchuckery of a milk bone and then finally the burger chunk I managed to swipe before beating paws off the deck. I was lying down, minding my own biz, trying to decide whether it was safe to re-eat the burger when who comes into the bathroom after I EXPLICITLY told her to stay the eff out?

You guessed it.

Here is the pic she snapped of me giving her shit for invading my hideyhole. She carries that damn camera wherever she goes. She tried to hug me. I told her to take that hug and shove it!!

PS - I shall close by noting that Man is heading out on the deck to shoot off some expired flairs. We all know how that will go. This after he spent the evening calling the town a bunch of Olympic hillbillies.

Woman is singing "Smoke on the Water". I see this ending badly.

Meet Auntie Gracie

Meet Auntie Gracie. She is a Boxerette. She is bipolar. One minute the bitch is pulling out the fistacuffs, the next she is licking my nether regions. I cannot make heads or tails of it.

I do love Auntie Gracie though. She is friendly (if not a little talkative) and she takes no shit. My kind of gal.

Here is an excerpt from my interview with Auntie G:
Z: Tell me Auntie, what are your favorite things?
AG: Obviously (duh you dumb retriever) acting like Mike Tyson, humpsuckling my bunny, freshly squeezed, rockhounding and anything Jet Lee. In that order.
Z: And your dislikes?
AG: Being ignored... Hey! Wake up!! That's better. Next time it is your ear doofus. Where was I? Oh yeah, manners class (who needs it?!), cheap rum, inverted stud collars (I am a giver, not a receiver), MSG (slows me down and moves me up a weight class), being called Cookie. In no particular order.
Z: And movies?
AG: Well of course I love "Sybil", "The Three Faces of Eve", "Silence of the Lambs"... and anything Jet Lee. I hate tear jerkers... that's my job!
Z: What is Auntie's Life's Dream?
AG: Long term, I would have to say becoming the Ultimate Fighting Champion! Near term, trippin' with my sweet soul sister Naomi Campbell. Call me bitch!
Z: What is life's greatest mystery.
AG: Peter Cook cheating on Christy Brinkley or men's fascination with something they call "Cathouses". Cats? Who needsum?

Eff the Fourth!

I may or may not post a photo with this. What sorta kook takes a pic of themselves scared witless, wallowing in their own pee crying for their mama? Listen I am no wimp... ok I am no big wimp... ok I am not a total wimp but I completely lose it (and by it I mean all nerve, ability to stand without quivering, the ability not to scream out loud at the slightest sound and the really important ability to hold my bowels) during the long hard and bitter winter I shall only refer to as the week of the fourth. I also officially hate the Chinese for inventing fireworks, teenagers who light them and direct them my way and M&S for not drip feeding me tranquilizers and tequila shots from July 1-5. Here it is July 3 and I have spent the whole day in my crate venturing out only to pee out what I had not had scared out of me already. Woman was cooking something very delicious and meaty smelling tonight and I could not even go out and scavenge!

Tomorrow they will be cooking all sorts of meaty delicacies on the grill, but I will not be doing any raindances around the menfolk. I will be hiding out in the downstairs tub. If anyone dares to come in the bathroom for a pee I am going to snarl and maybe bite them.

If I survive the night, I will post how things went.

Eff the Fourth.